To whom it may concern,
Last night I went out with a couple of my best friends to a 21st celebration over the shore. After working all day, the thought of wearing a tight dress, putting on makeup and travelling for 40minutes to wing-woman at a party where I knew only the 2 girls I was going with was hardly in my top 5 list of things to do on a Friday night. Also because I really want to see the Book Thief. But I’d been a hermit during Summer School and I knew a good boogie would change my mind so that’s exactly what I did.
After making sure the “main girl” looked the hottest, which barely took any effort on account of the fact she looks like a model, we were off. After many a windy road, we pulled up to a long driveway with a large bouncer. The long driveway proved to be useful as her nerves kicked in at the start of the driveway and the sweetheart had to take a couple of hundred deep breaths before she was convinced she was, in fact, going to walk in and say Hi.
Upon entering however it took all of one second for her to pull like a Bawse. That’s how good we are at being wing-women. You should hire us. With our mission completed, we noticed we were on a set worthy of the Kardashians: a DJ playing exactly the right music, a deck that faced a pool, spa and waterfront but the real romance was the tea-candlelit buffet table fit for a King.
Me + pigs in a blanket + Candle light = magical evening. Just when we thought the night could not get any better the host graciously and swiftly put drinks in our hands and this is where things started to go downhill.
In an attempt to stay relatively sober the punch was decided upon to be relatively harmless. Or it would’ve been had we not had the tolerance level of 3 ethnic girls.
While most girls find alcohol boosts confidence and eases conversation I find that it brings out my tipsy alter ego. World, meet Methaki, Meth for short. After ‘Niggas in Parris’ turned to ‘Hyper-paradise’ (Flume remix), which then turned to ‘Miss new Booty’ Methaki was convinced the DJ was her soul mate. Methaki likes to crump, sometimes twerk and let’s not even mention the air-grinding.; Form a line gents. The problem with Methaki is that her equivalent of a hot guy at a gym is a guy with great music taste and intelligence (?) Cue further infatuation with DJ who was actually quite good looking. But Methaki, much like Kethaki can’t just walk up to a guy and have a decent conversation. No no. Methaki chooses to remain “dancing” while making predator-eyes at her target. Because that’s not creepy. Just when you thought the blatant sexual tension could no longer heighten, on came ‘Get low’. Methaki took this as a sign that she was now in a long-term relationship with the DJ.
Luckily for her, she has 2 amazing best friends who kept her from further embarrassing herself. I’m pleased to inform you that Methaki draws the line at “droppin’ it low”, most likely because she’s never drunk enough to forget that getting back up requires leg and core muscle that she is yet to acquire. So, guys, I’m afraid to say I’m off the market and dating a DJ…He just doesn’t know it. Minor Hiccup.