16. Nude Scandal – do the no-pants dance!

One of many things you should know about me is that I have tall-man syndrome. I’m always incredibly surprised when I see a photo of myself in relation to something regular sized where I look short. I’ve been 5ft 2inches for about 7 years – complete denial. I bring this up because the mall I work at decided to have a promotional weekend to “welcome” Santa for Christmas. Every good promo needs T-shirts and we were accidently delivered a box of male t-shirts for a group that consisted of 7 females and 3 men. The shirt I was given although a men’s small went down past my shorts. Today I wrapped presents for children and sold gift cards and directed customers all the while giving the illusion that I had a very strong aversion to pants and felt very strongly about dressing inappropriately around customers that can afford not just regular pants but very high-end ones.

Re-learning that I am indeed short wasn’t the only discovery I made, however. Turns out going to the gym makes you feel worse because you are in pain when working out, in pain the day after, and dying from pain the day after that. Also turns out that I have little to no upper body strength, which is a fact, I discovered when attempting to bench press a little over 6kgs at the request of a trainer. At this point, I think she’s doing it just to get a laugh. Considering how difficult it was and the fact that I have nothing to compare it to I mistakenly boasted to my cousin that I had indeed bench-pressed and was now an athlete. In disbelief, he retorted that he had a mate who warmed up with 40kgs. My cousins essentially friend bench a 7th grader and I can bench a fat puppy. Who really wins this scenario?

Despite failing in height and well…life @whatthehallelujah on Instagram remained well filtered and the one selfie did not reveal the strain involved in raising the camera to double-chin-diminishing height because I’d tried to lift a weighted bar the previous day. It didn’t even show you the pyjamas and uniform I spent most of my week in but rather the one-day I decided to make myself look human because the public isn’t ready for this jelly.

Although everyone ranted and raved about Kim Kardashian’s nude photoshoot for Paper magazine, few actually read the article, which notes how Kardashian “reveals very little yet foster a sense of closeness”. Celebrities and bloggers – the experts at the ideal life constantly update photos to document their lives, which give their fans and readers a sliver of their reality but mostly a huge misconception to the reality of most. A picture may be worth a thousand words but it is important to know that while candid pictures may embody this saying mostly Kardashian doesn’t spend her time on a stool, covered in baby oil and an odd bun and the photos are manufactured and filtered for popular consumption.



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