16. Nude Scandal – do the no-pants dance!

One of many things you should know about me is that I have tall-man syndrome. I’m always incredibly surprised when I see a photo of myself in relation to something regular sized where I look short. I’ve been 5ft 2inches for about 7 years – complete denial. I bring this up because the mall I work at decided to have a promotional weekend to “welcome” Santa for Christmas. Every good promo needs T-shirts and we were accidently delivered a box of male t-shirts for a group that consisted of 7 females and 3 men. The shirt I was given although a men’s small went down past my shorts. Today I wrapped presents for children and sold gift cards and directed customers all the while giving the illusion that I had a very strong aversion to pants and felt very strongly about dressing inappropriately around customers that can afford not just regular pants but very high-end ones.

Re-learning that I am indeed short wasn’t the only discovery I made, however. Turns out going to the gym makes you feel worse because you are in pain when working out, in pain the day after, and dying from pain the day after that. Also turns out that I have little to no upper body strength, which is a fact, I discovered when attempting to bench press a little over 6kgs at the request of a trainer. At this point, I think she’s doing it just to get a laugh. Considering how difficult it was and the fact that I have nothing to compare it to I mistakenly boasted to my cousin that I had indeed bench-pressed and was now an athlete. In disbelief, he retorted that he had a mate who warmed up with 40kgs. My cousins essentially friend bench a 7th grader and I can bench a fat puppy. Who really wins this scenario?

Despite failing in height and well…life @whatthehallelujah on Instagram remained well filtered and the one selfie did not reveal the strain involved in raising the camera to double-chin-diminishing height because I’d tried to lift a weighted bar the previous day. It didn’t even show you the pyjamas and uniform I spent most of my week in but rather the one-day I decided to make myself look human because the public isn’t ready for this jelly.

Although everyone ranted and raved about Kim Kardashian’s nude photoshoot for Paper magazine, few actually read the article, which notes how Kardashian “reveals very little yet foster a sense of closeness”. Celebrities and bloggers – the experts at the ideal life constantly update photos to document their lives, which give their fans and readers a sliver of their reality but mostly a huge misconception to the reality of most. A picture may be worth a thousand words but it is important to know that while candid pictures may embody this saying mostly Kardashian doesn’t spend her time on a stool, covered in baby oil and an odd bun and the photos are manufactured and filtered for popular consumption.

Peace

WTH

15. Are you a cheater?

Mid-week madness

Monday morning Auckland decided to get real. Between the stormy weather that set the hay fever on fire and the rush-hour traffic on the way to work I could just sense the impatience of the customers I’d be serving in 5 minutes. I trudged into the mall where I work with windswept hair and an indecisive nose that no filter would make pretty. Because that’s how real life works – people have allergies and wind and rain have a personal vendetta against hair. Also people have jobs.

The urge to workout after 8 hours is at an all time low. I had a cold and hunger comes a-knockin’…how do the insta-famous manage this feat of balancing life? Regular humans shovel down dinner and stay tucked bed – which is exactly what I decided to do. In the words of sweet Gwen Stefani – This ish is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

Tuesday brought with it my favourite time of the week – This year my brother joined me in New Zealand and flats with me. My aunt makes sure we’re alive and well fed by inviting us for a weekly dinner where she and my uncle make everything Sri Lankan under the sun.

Here’s what you should know about me. I love carbs. If I was stranded on an island and could only eat one thing for the rest of my life it would be fresh white bread from Baker’s delight. I’m basically salivating already. The second would be (cue stereotype) Rice and freakin’ curry. Maybe its because it’s only a weekly delicacy these days but I truly believe I could eat it every single day. My aunt get’s me… She over-feeds me with the sentiment “It’s only once a week – you’re fine”

Don’t tell me it’s a cheat day; don’t have a cheat day yourself. When you have McDonalds the salads of the world don’t threaten to divorce you and double your alimony. Your body doesn’t shut down sobbing, yelling “HOW COULD YOU, YOU BASTARD”. There is no shame or guilt involved in you eating something delicious once in a while so just calm down. It’s a treat day – Because you deserve not to feel like cheater. Because its just food. If someone implies you’re cheating on “healthy” food I give you permission to punch him or her in the baby-maker.

14. Day one – An attempt at an insta-filtered life

To whom it may concern,

Never in my life have I kept up with a New Year’s resolution or even remembered it a month later. This resolution is different; it’s an attempt to live the life of people we all envy, those who appear to have it all. Except there’s a lot of effort involved. I don’t mean having it all in the material sense but those out there who have their life “sorted”, their shit together if you will.

For the next 6 weeks, I will attempt to live the insta-filtered life that is constantly shown to us with ludicrous descriptions e.g. Lazy morning. Breakfast in bed #parfait. Cue picture of emaciated legs in an all-white bed with a parfait on the bed. Woman, you got out of bed and made yourself a parfait, got back in bed, took a well-lit and filtered photo and engaged in social media. Don’t lie to me. When I have a lazy morning I’m in bed thinking about how long I can stay snuggled before I pee myself.

I will reveal the hard work it takes to live this “balanced lifestyle” of managing it all: work/social life/experiencing culture through new books, films/eating healthy-ish/working out/have some form of spirituality grounding me so I don’t become a serial killer and you can feel better about yourself. The hope of this project is really a way to disguise working out and eating healthy as a social experiment to keep me interested and accountable. I promise to give you the un-adulterated truth of the struggle and nothing more. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit so by the end of this experiment I may be the girl you envy on Instagram because she’s got a parfait but chances are I won’t be.

With all goals come planning – work somehow worked its way in 6 days out of this week but the trick is managing the rest. My gym Contours Greenlane has given me an amazing 2 months free membership and tomorrow they offer a class called ‘Total Sculpt’. It is described as a total weight training workout designed to tone and define the body while also improving muscle balance and strength – neither of which I have. It will improve my posture, increase my currently non-existent lean muscle and see that my body fat melt away.

For someone who considered carrying her cello from the car to the house a full arm workout only one word comes to mind. It’s a bad word. Today also marks the start of a book my dad gave me, which I promptly neglected ‘ the Same kind of different as me’ which is about the sweetest title I’ve heard.

The goals of this week are starting off reasonably doable:

To attend 2 ‘Total sculpt’ classes

Workout 2 more times

Discover the delightfulness of a homemade smoothie

Start and finish the book

Work 6 days a week

Not to die

Welcome!

Welcome to WhatTheHallelujah.com!

I’ve been celebrating! My exams have finished and I’ve started a website so dammit I wanted cake. And what a cake I had. Being 5’2 with the hands of a 12 year old I’ve always had a huge appreciation for things that make my small hands feel regular sized.

‘The little Baker’ run by the stunning and hilarious Marie Pereira not only achieves this goal but also blows the mind of your senses. My mini chocolate ombré cake looked divine and tasted impossibly better. My friends and I impatiently ate our dinner in anticipation for dessert and at one point we stopped to check if it was just our imagination or if the cake was actually glowing. Contact Marie immediately via thelittlebakernz@gmail.com. You’re welcome.

The cake was celebratory but also a somewhat of a comfort. Evolving is a natural and constant part of life and one I’ve found usually found to be difficult in my few years on this planet. Moving forward usually means leaving something behind. Today however marks a goal I’ve wanted to achieve since I started blogging late last year.

WhatTheHallelujah is my first ever website and this is it’s first ever post! Not to worry, all my embarrassing moments that I’ve documented this year have been moved over for your convenience to re-read and feel my pain. For me the message of a “balanced” life is constantly put forward as the goal we strive for: balanced diet, balancing work and a social life, balancing relationships, balanced workout. The list is exhausting and very few have managed it without a lot of support. It’s also a very natural to feel inadequate when not leading today’s idea of a “healthy” life.

Summer is finally here and I’m going to attempt this elusive and so far unattainable life. For you, I will go out of my comfort zone of watching endless hours of great television, enhance my palate for food, literature, and adventure and you can join me on my through my struggle which is sure to be comical. My cake day was not a cheat day – there was zero shame involved in that beautiful wee thing. It was definitely a treat day – the first of many. You are welcome to my amateur expertise…

Join me tomorrow for Day 1!

Lots of love

Kethaki